I guess I need to change my blog to “Woes to Mommy Hood” instead of speaking in my children’s voices.

The biggest struggle this week (Today) is: Not liking my child.  Yes, isn’t that like the worst thing for any mother to say?  It’s not all the time, but I have to admit, sometimes my daughter is just too much.  Too much energy. Too much imagination.  Too much obstinacy.  Too much Noooooo! Too much mine! Too much aggressiveness. Too much “ I can’t!” Too many roller coasters.  She leaves me exhausted most of the time.  When she is an angel, I compliment her good specific behavior (like a good Mom and every book I’ve read says to do). But then  it’s like a free ticket to do all the bad things.  I’ve always prided  myself on not the type to hold a grudge, but with my daughter it seems like if it’s a rocky morning , I just can’t shake it.  I’ve become an angry person some days and then I feel bad because at the end of the day I know she didn’t have a chance for “Nice Mommy” to come out.  When Dad is around she of coarse wants to be with him and she’ll use the word “Monster” referring to me.  Ouch!, that really stings.  And then just a few days later, we’re grocery shopping together just the two of us and I get a, “I love you Mommy” shout out.  Roller coaster!  Some days she’s just perfect and I enjoy every moment with her.  Other days I find myself throwing a tantrum myself sometimes with dealing with her and I know this doesn’t work and exacerbates the problem.  I’m tired, bored and know something has to change.  I try taking deep breaths, counting to ten, telling myself she’s only 3.  But really, when does it end?  I can’t be nice,  compassionate, goating parent all the time.  She has to learn that sometimes she won’t have a choice, won’t get it her way, and things just need to get done during the day.  What would I be teaching her if she got her way all the time?  I give her choices and then she doesn’t like any of them.  I try to reason with her to no avail. What am I to do?  Oh, and did I mention she’s trying to give up her naps.

I remember my sweet girl before my son was born and distinctly remember feeling sorry for her that she was about to loose my undivided attention.  I remember feeling, “Have I really done her a benefit for having a sibling?”  At dinner the other night I wonder what we would be doing in the evening together if there wasn’t my son.  Would I be teaching her the alphabet, practicing writing, or teaching/playing a board game, or cuddle up to a good movie?  There are some things I would like to do with her but when my son is in the room it just isn’t possible.  Too many small pieces and just a certain concentration needed that having a 10mth in the room I can not do.  I find myself wishing bed time could be at 6PM instead of 7 or 8.

And then there are days I just don’t want to be a Mom, which is silly because I really don’t have a choice in the matter after they are born.

I guess in the end I need to give up the power struggles.  She’s getting bigger and needs to make her own choices in life.  It’s my job to guide her but she is who she is and I love her either way.  My question is how to I balance what I want her to do and what she wants to do?  I feel exhausted when I think this will be our problem all through her childhood.  The nagging, crying, procrastination, tugging, whining episodes may get fewer but the episode length when it happens gets longer.

Pick and choose your battles and savor the good times.  In the mean time I’ve taken up running and I’m trying Yoga again.