This blog has been sitting in the draft folder for over a week. I needed some time to think about what I’ve written. I’ve rewritten parts of it because as always, we worry about being criticized. Many adults find it hard to talk seriously about sex to their children or other adults, so I felt the need to be honest and not piss everyone off.
The rule of thumb that I followed, was to talk to my children about sex when they asked about it. My son (7)and daughter (9) were traveling with me on an RV trip when my son asked me over lunch what causes a baby.
I explained it something like this: “A boy has a penis and a girl has a vagina. (It helped that I had a boy and a girl) Women produce eggs and men sperm. When boys are older, their penis will harden and he puts it in his wife’s vagina. When the sperm from the man meets the egg of the woman, a baby is conceived. It will grow in the woman for nine months before being ready to be born.” Or something like that. I believe I used my fingers to show a penis rising by straightening my finger and then creating a vagina by cupping my other hand and slipping the finger into the vagina.
Their reaction was, “Really?” They probably asked a few questions, but were probably too embarrassed to ask.
I was going on a one year sabbatical when my son was entering the 7th grade so it seemed important to talk to him about sex before I left.
We were camping when I told my son I thought we should have a talk about sex. My daughter overheard us and said he wanted to be there too. So I talked about the passions of sex and how there are many temptations to have sex early, but there’s always a possibility a woman could get pregnant. This was quite a few years ago. Now, I’d mention safe sex and the use of condoms to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted disease. At the same time I would tell them that abstinence is the best way to prevent pregnancy and/or STDs.
My son recently told me that he wished I’d told him what caused a boy to ejaculate. He said he was too embarrassed to ask at the time and show how little he knew about sex. This is something I should have discussed with him and I suggest you discuss with your son as well as your daughter. Masturbation is a touchy subject, but I think boys as well as girls should be told that they will not go to hell or blind for masturbating. On a scale from 1 to 10, a 10 having sex and getting pregnant, oral sex an 8, masturbating someone else a 6, masturbation is a 2. You might call masturbation safe sex. (I’m sure I’ll have people disagree with this. When Josselyn Elder, the Surgeon General under Bill Clinton, suggested masturbation was okay and was better than having sex and getting a girl pregnant, conservatives went crazy.)
If I was giving that lesson now, I’d tell them that ejaculation is caused by stimulating the penis while having sexual intercourse where the man moves his penis in and out of the woman’s vagina. I would also say that this movement stimulates the woman and she will have something similar to the male pumping action. Her vagina will contract and release repeatedly and she also will experience pleasure like a man. It’s best when both experience this at the same time.
When I was a boy, they called masturbation “self-abuse.” I’ve thought about that term some and believe, like anything in life, “There are no limits to the bounds of moderation.” We need to tell our children that. I spent most of my youth thinking I was going to hell. Men need to realize that while for them ejaculation is most important, love and affections is as important as the sex for most women. If men will keep this in mind, they will find that their sex life improves greatly.
It’s my understanding that studies show most women have never masturbated or had an orgasm. True or not, we owe it to our girls the same as we owe to our sons, to talk to them about orgasms. They need to be told that by stimulating the clitoris they too will have an orgasm like a man. Some people may disagree with this, but as fathers, we would be doing them and their future husbands a favor. If you don’t feel comfortable with it, than have your wife do it. The problem is, many wives and mothers couldn’t talk to their daughters about these things. It needs to be done, and you may have to do it.
If you have questions, feel free to write or comment.
